A few days ago, our marriage was in a crisis. It had come down to this for me: Either you spend more time with me, or we are slowly but surely heading for a divorce! I was feeling abandoned, unloved and taken for granted — all because my husband wasn’t staying home, erm, all the time. I have a right to my time with my husband because my love language is Time ok! And Passion and Love swaggered their fingers before my dejected husband to back me up.
Suddenly, I understood why people have affairs. Suddenly, a divorce sounds reasonable. I was disappointed, even grieving in my heart, that my husband had no desire to spend time with me. My need was not met. What else is there in a marriage?
Thankfully I am both a drama queen (in my mind) and the possessor of a goldfish-memory. By the next day I had forgotten my fury but I was nursing the hangover of my exaggerated overture. I began to consider if I would ever resort to divorce when my need is not met. After all, the need is real and so is the pain and disappointment when it’s not met. If haranguing my husband for more time together is sucking the life out of us, then why not skip out?
It’s not an easy question to answer even if I already had the right one. That marriage is to make us holy, not happy? How do I become holy when I am unhappy? What do I do now? Sure I could be the ho-hum classic cynic: “I am just not going to expect anything anymore so I won’t be disappointed. Or the matriarchal martyr: “I do everything for my husband, for this family, even though he doesn’t love me.” But those are dreadful in themselves. Blah!
So this may sound boring but I figured I will spend as much time with him as HE NEEDS to spend with me. (And of course I secretly bargained that he should do the same for me as well.) Quit the “why-can’t-you-be-home-7-nights-a-week” spiel and put his needs before my own! It’s starting well. It is kinda liberating when I snap out of having to meet every single want of mine. And remember what marriage is all about.